||[Sep. 5th, 2008|06:03 am]
When you told me about her my heart lurched. I felt a part of me died that day, but I pushed my feelings aside and listened as you told me your feelings for her. My eyes stared blankly ahead as I processed what you were telling me. I didn't know what to feel or how to react. My mind was simply telling me to go after you, but I didn't move. How could I possibly tell you now..
You were my best friend after all. Would it be fair of me to confess my desires now after everything you and her have gone through? No, I will never tell you. I will keep the words bottled inside my crumbling heart. Let the secret die with me. Nothing could possibly become of us. I was still confused about what direction my affections for you were going, but one thing was clear, things would never be the same now.
Years would go by as I watched you from afar with her. Everyday we grew more distant from each other. Everyday I grew more sad. You sometimes came to me for advice, sometimes appearing out of the blue, and hungrily I offered what I could desperately clinging on to you without being too apparent. I was half starved for your attention and as pathetic as it sounds I didn't care. You were talking to me and like a puppy left alone too long I clinged to your every word and movement.
Sadness welled within me. Soon you found a new friend to tell your every secret to. I was readily forgotten and left alone. Inside I cried not wanting to continue watching as I was so easily pushed aside. My heart grew harder as our time apart grew longer, but occasionally you would glimpse me and toss me that smile I craved so much, and my heart would beat again with renewed life and joy. How I wanted to tell you..
Then one day you called me and my heart sang, but soon fell sad as you told me the two of you were no longer together. I had mixed feelings of joy and bitterness, but also sadness. You'd broken up but it only meant I was your crutch until you found someone new. I didn't care because out of all your new friends you came to- me. You felt worthless and betrayed at the sudden heartbreak caused by your beloved, but for me it was an opportunity. I said anything and everything to try and bring a smile, no matter how small, to your face. I sang you our song to which you giggled, and after a couple of hours you wiped your tears and told me goodnight. I was on air for days, and still- I hadn't told you.
Much time has passed, you no longer needed a crutch so again I watch from afar as you pull yourself together and meet someone else, and still I will say nothing. Was it foolish of me to never tell you my feelings, the love and quiet obsession I had for you? I continue watching you, still waiting at the door for you whenever you need me. Always I will be there to hold you whenever you feel the need to be held or told that things will be ok. Silently and painfully I wait for you to flash me those rare heart grabbing smiles I sometimes feel are just for me. I would like to continue believing at least, that they are only for me, anything to keep my heart from being ripped so slowly and utterly apart.