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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2008|10:48 am]

I decided to stop thinking so hard and blew my head apart
it didn't take me long to realize heaven was dull
and you weren't coming

after a few days I know what I have to do
walking around with everyone else in the clouds
I look around inconspicuously
for sharp and fast-moving things, anything at all
I get an idea and run and grab a halo off the nearest angel
put my head through it and jump
I didn't get a chance to see it but I think I made the clouds all red

I think of you until everything goes white again
I open my eyes and I'm in a red room
there's a pool in the middle with all my friends
I wade in and ask if they've seen you
they say no

I tell Jeff what I need to do
then bash my head against the concrete side until I lose enough blood and then consciousness
I drown

I think of you until I wake up again
I open my eyes and I'm in a blue room
you're in the corner

that's all I remember, officer

he tells me to get out of the car
but I grab the pistol from his holster, push him away, switch off the safety and blow my head apart
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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2008|10:47 am]

hello miss
would you like to buy this
would your husband like to buy this
would your children like you to buy this
no? let me ask again

hello sir
these are half the price they were
sale ends in fifteen seconds
your children sure look hungry and might not last that long
but I see your wife is working hard

how are you, children?
want to see that trick again?
you're in luck and this is fate
I'll give you this to ease the hate
all those awful feelings you have
for your awful parents and your awful friends

I'll tell you all about them
and why you're all wrong
all wrong

me? I have a wife and kids at home too
they'll be fed all thanks to you
I'm in a good mood so here's a little more
come back when your wife isn't a
well, you know, you can't afford it just yet

and the town eats itself alive
and all the townspeople die in each other's mouths
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can you hear me, oh community? i still love you. [Oct. 20th, 2008|12:39 am]

[mood |lonelylonely]

i complain
because i thought you'd listen
and if i made my issues seem angsty and exaggerated
you'd notice me and soothe me and goddamn, just hold me
in front of the passing eyes, lighting lingering on us

i smile
because it's a helluva lot easier to do
than cry out in public
with the millions of eyes watching us

i shout
because you embarrassed me
and rather than blushing red
i'm flushing red and shaking with rage
to the eyes staring at the front of the classroom

i cry
because i'm not invincible, you know
and i'm tired of being invisible
to the millions of eyes ignoring me

i kept silent
because i was done complaining, smiling, shouting, and crying
i was done taking up your life
and it was just easier to bring this to a conclusion
without your sad eyes' intervention

i guess i have a deviantart. if you want to see. but there's nothing much on there anyway.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2008|08:41 pm]

I'm writing in here because I can't think of anything to write on my own. Logging onto this page reminds me of why I can never become a serious author or even a half decent poet. I can never keep my thoughts on one place or idea, I can never find beauty in my words. My line of thinking always leaves me believing that there is only black and white and the always ever present grey.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2008|08:32 pm]

I love when you hold me close to you while we sleep. I feel safe,comforted, and take solace in the fact you make me feel alive.
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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2008|06:53 pm]

today, today, today, today
i'm writing a bunch of nonsense
because i want you to read
and i want you to see
and please, to help me
find the self
buried underneath me
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2008|08:28 pm]

[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I lie there watching as your eyes look every where but to me. Why won't you look at me? I feel disgusting lying there cold, naked, and all alone. I think to myself how ugly I must be that you can't even spare me a glance. When we first met I remember how you used to devour me with your eyes. Your hands always touching me, needing to hold me.

Now here I lie on cold sheets staring up into the darkness of our room. How cold I feel inside. Looking down at myself I see the image of what once was. Smooth skin, clear eyes,dark hair splayed wildly across the bed. Standing up I walk across our room raising a hand to my face as I stare unforgivingly into the mirror in front of me. My skin has faint lines around my mouth and eyes, my age is beginning to show although I've yet turned thirty. My hands are rough no longer smooth showing evidence of how hard I'd treated myself. Stretching my legs I still carry the smooth muscular tone built from years of walking place to place. I did always hate to drive. My feet showing not smoothness of young skin but hardened heels and abused toes, not pedicured, not babied.

I felt ugly and old. Looking at myself in this unforgiving mirror. I felt worn and unappreciated. I wanted to look at myself and see myself from five years ago when I was still wild but soft. I felt more than looked as if I should be rocking in a chair knitting scarves with gnarled fingers.

He made me feel so unwanted and now my thoughts had turned to this. Why wouldn't he look at me with the longing he used to have? I ask him not really wanting to know the answer. He brushed me off with a smile changing the subject to something less significant. I was acting foolish he told me. Was I?
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Quote from 'Temporal Sequence' [Sep. 8th, 2008|03:44 am]

“Life is full of nuances—some bad, some good—but our interpretation of them makes us who we are. Sometimes the gray morphs into color. You must learn to search for the color amongst the gray. That is what makes life worth living.” Chaos-and-Serenity
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Denial [Sep. 5th, 2008|06:03 am]

[mood |creativecreative]

When you told me about her my heart lurched. I felt a part of me died that day, but I pushed my feelings aside and listened as you told me your feelings for her. My eyes stared blankly ahead as I processed what you were telling me. I didn't know what to feel or how to react. My mind was simply telling me to go after you, but I didn't move. How could I possibly tell you now..

You were my best friend after all. Would it be fair of me to confess my desires now after everything you and her have gone through? No, I will never tell you. I will keep the words bottled inside my crumbling heart. Let the secret die with me. Nothing could possibly become of us. I was still confused about what direction my affections for you were going, but one thing was clear, things would never be the same now.

Years would go by as I watched you from afar with her. Everyday we grew more distant from each other. Everyday I grew more sad. You sometimes came to me for advice, sometimes appearing out of the blue, and hungrily I offered what I could desperately clinging on to you without being too apparent. I was half starved for your attention and as pathetic as it sounds I didn't care. You were talking to me and like a puppy left alone too long I clinged to your every word and movement.

Sadness welled within me. Soon you found a new friend to tell your every secret to. I was readily forgotten and left alone. Inside I cried not wanting to continue watching as I was so easily pushed aside. My heart grew harder as our time apart grew longer, but occasionally you would glimpse me and toss me that smile I craved so much, and my heart would beat again with renewed life and joy. How I wanted to tell you..

Then one day you called me and my heart sang, but soon fell sad as you told me the two of you were no longer together. I had mixed feelings of joy and bitterness, but also sadness. You'd broken up but it only meant I was your crutch until you found someone new. I didn't care because out of all your new friends you came to- me. You felt worthless and betrayed at the sudden heartbreak caused by your beloved, but for me it was an opportunity. I said anything and everything to try and bring a smile, no matter how small, to your face. I sang you our song to which you giggled, and after a couple of hours you wiped your tears and told me goodnight. I was on air for days, and still- I hadn't told you.

Much time has passed, you no longer needed a crutch so again I watch from afar as you pull yourself together and meet someone else, and still I will say nothing. Was it foolish of me to never tell you my feelings, the love and quiet obsession I had for you? I continue watching you, still waiting at the door for you whenever you need me. Always I will be there to hold you whenever you feel the need to be held or told that things will be ok. Silently and painfully I wait for you to flash me those rare heart grabbing smiles I sometimes feel are just for me. I would like to continue believing at least, that they are only for me, anything to keep my heart from being ripped so slowly and utterly apart.
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Flawed [Sep. 5th, 2008|05:13 am]

[mood |creativecreative]

I sit alone here in the darkness of this confined space watching you sleep half-on and off the bed. Thoughts on how we met running through my mind, but always my mind takes me to others I've met before you. How they shaped my logic and my thinking..

First, there was the cool, quiet, desperate one. He was married I knew this, and despite knowing how he could never be with me I continued our "relationship." He wanted to meet me. I told him no. I felt backed into a corner like an animal being threatened. It occurred to me how sick I was then to think.. to believe that something could possibly grow from this diseased cancer ridden romance. Yet I continued it, it would be many months before I finally could no longer handle my heart trying to wrench and twist itself out of my body. It was so painful to keep lying to myself. To keep telling myself that he loved me while he slept with his wife. I was jealous of her- how lucky she was to have him, but then I realized exactly how fucked up my line of thought really was. There I sat having an online affair with her husband while she unknowingly went about her life. Clueless to the fact that I was the reason why their phone bill was so high and why he had to get a job to cover up our indescretions. I was the one breaking up her marriage and she had no clue. I deserved the pain I felt within myself. I was the worst of the worst. I remember the feeling of tightness within my breast as we finally broke it off. I had hurt for so long after that, but not because of what I'd done, but because I still cared for him- dare I say, I think, I loved him. Even though I knew the horrible things I did were still unknown to her and would probably remain this way. I still felt jealous an almost hate grew within me because she could love him honestly. My love was built on lies. It was damned no matter how I tried to sugar coat it in my mind.

Your snoring in your sleep. I love watching you sleep- the way your hair falls over your eyes. Your eyes.. still the sexiest part of you. When they're open its like staring into an endless sea of blue-green. I love to get lost staring into them, the way they look at me and only me, and then I think back on how we got together it was honest and so purely innocent. I didn't know you had loved me so long. I'd just gotten out of another bad relationship and turned to you as a friend. I never thought anything more of you except that. Until you told me of your problems with, her.

I wanted to get rid of her. The anger that was pooling inside me was so close to the surface, but I could do nothing except listen as you told me the things she'd done to you. It was then the anger turned in on itself. I was reminded of a similar tale in my life not so long ago. I was so afraid to tell you, the words to this day have yet to leave my lips. How could I tell the person I love that I myself was just as horrible as the girl he had felt so much for. Ironically we both fell in love, but your love to me was so pure. I'm so tainted, I couldn't wash my hands under enough hot water. The dirt will never leave my hands. My body is filthy with deceit and lies, but I love you. I watch you sleeping so carelessly and tears threaten to overflow as I think to myself, I don't deserve you. I'm so disgusting afterall.

So here we are now together. I laugh silently to myself as I think how truly opposite we are. You are easy on the eyes, always laughing, caring, never suspicious, arms always wide open. I have a hardened look, one look into my eyes usually tells a person I have quite the life story. I laugh but only around people I can trust, always suspicious of people's intentions, and my arms are never open, rarely do I try to care let alone open my heart to others. In another life I was this naive, but no longer.

Its a balance. I tell him to be a little more serious and he tells me to lighten up. Completely opposite, yet to some the perfect combination. I tell myself daily he is the reason for me living. I hurt many people in my life and for some reason as I sit here watching you sleep I feel as if you are here for me now because perhaps I was forgiven. Perhaps through the hardships I endured after my fall from grace someone thought, let her remember her wrongs but experience the good.

I will never forget my wrongs, they haunt me to this day. Each and every day I peer into your eyes I am reminded of how tainted and corrupt my own must appear to you. Yet always you tell me I am beautiful and perfect, and always I shy away from your stare and cringe inside. How can you call me beautiful when I am so filthy and impure. Where do you see the beauty in me?
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