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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2008|10:34 am]

he comes home and she's reading in the corner. we're out of money.
she puts the book down and looks up. what?
we're out of money. i don't think we can pay the rent. can you ask your parents?
i asked them last month, too. they can't keep providing for us.
do it for me this once. we need to pay the rent. i'm not getting evicted.
she gets up and walks over to hug him. i love you, but you need to stop messing around.
i need to what?
she releases him and looks at him. i mean, i think you should go back to school. i'm in my junior year now, and we could both go together. it might be fun.
you think i should go back to school?
shove the table rattles
he grabs her face. shut the fuck up.
don't touch me. don't fucking touch me.
i fucking provide for you. i make it so you have a place to stay. i make it so you can wake up in the morning. i work six fucking days a week, and you show your appreciation by telling me to shut the fuck up. wow.
shut up. you're fucking worthless. just like your fatheSLAPDON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY FATHER. her head hits the wall hard and she loses her balance. DON'T YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT HIM.
stop it.
don't do that.
stop it.
don't fucking do that. don't fucking talk about my fucking father.
stop it. christ.
don't fucking talk about my father. don't FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY FATHER. he wraps his hand around her neck and pulls it. she makes a quiet thump on the floor. you fucking stupid bitch. you fucking stupid bitch.
you fucking stupid bitch. oh my fucking god.
he jams his foot into her stomach. she gasps and then coughs. he doesn't say anything, he just yells. he kicks her in the stomach again. she lays on her back, her hands holding herself. he motions to do it again and she tries to cover her stomach to lessen the hurt, but he kicks her twice. oh my fucking god, you stupid bitch. she coughs again and tries to say something but can't. he walks into the next room and opens the kitchen drawer. he spends a few seconds shuffling it around, then holds the knife and stands next to her. she can't talk. she can't say anything. all she does is make quiet sounds because it really hurts. he gets on his knees next to her and slits her open. blood starts to surge out of her.
remember when you were in the hospital for three weeks? remember that? do you? talk to me.
she's very quiet. all they hear is the quiet dripping of blood. he takes her hand and holds it stretched above her.
do you?
talk to me.
he holds the knife to her wrist and pierces it. he haphazardly cuts downward making an uneven gash. she cries out. the blood is spreading on the carpet. he takes her other arm and jams the knife through her wrist. she screams for a second, then stops. then he starts to stab her chest. he thrusts the knife as deep into her as he can. it's very quiet as he does this, with only the muted sound of skin being torn open and blood violently spurting out. he doesn't make any noise. she sobs and kicks, but he's strong and holds her down, thrusting the knife deep into her over and over. she stops. she's dead now, but he still keeps thrusting the knife as deep into her as he can.
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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2008|10:48 am]

I decided to stop thinking so hard and blew my head apart
it didn't take me long to realize heaven was dull
and you weren't coming

after a few days I know what I have to do
walking around with everyone else in the clouds
I look around inconspicuously
for sharp and fast-moving things, anything at all
I get an idea and run and grab a halo off the nearest angel
put my head through it and jump
I didn't get a chance to see it but I think I made the clouds all red

I think of you until everything goes white again
I open my eyes and I'm in a red room
there's a pool in the middle with all my friends
I wade in and ask if they've seen you
they say no

I tell Jeff what I need to do
then bash my head against the concrete side until I lose enough blood and then consciousness
I drown

I think of you until I wake up again
I open my eyes and I'm in a blue room
you're in the corner

that's all I remember, officer

he tells me to get out of the car
but I grab the pistol from his holster, push him away, switch off the safety and blow my head apart
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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2008|10:47 am]

hello miss
would you like to buy this
would your husband like to buy this
would your children like you to buy this
no? let me ask again

hello sir
these are half the price they were
sale ends in fifteen seconds
your children sure look hungry and might not last that long
but I see your wife is working hard

how are you, children?
want to see that trick again?
you're in luck and this is fate
I'll give you this to ease the hate
all those awful feelings you have
for your awful parents and your awful friends

I'll tell you all about them
and why you're all wrong
all wrong

me? I have a wife and kids at home too
they'll be fed all thanks to you
I'm in a good mood so here's a little more
come back when your wife isn't a
well, you know, you can't afford it just yet

and the town eats itself alive
and all the townspeople die in each other's mouths
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can you hear me, oh community? i still love you. [Oct. 20th, 2008|12:39 am]

[mood |lonelylonely]

i complain
because i thought you'd listen
and if i made my issues seem angsty and exaggerated
you'd notice me and soothe me and goddamn, just hold me
in front of the passing eyes, lighting lingering on us

i smile
because it's a helluva lot easier to do
than cry out in public
with the millions of eyes watching us

i shout
because you embarrassed me
and rather than blushing red
i'm flushing red and shaking with rage
to the eyes staring at the front of the classroom

i cry
because i'm not invincible, you know
and i'm tired of being invisible
to the millions of eyes ignoring me

i kept silent
because i was done complaining, smiling, shouting, and crying
i was done taking up your life
and it was just easier to bring this to a conclusion
without your sad eyes' intervention

i guess i have a deviantart. if you want to see. but there's nothing much on there anyway.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2008|08:41 pm]

I'm writing in here because I can't think of anything to write on my own. Logging onto this page reminds me of why I can never become a serious author or even a half decent poet. I can never keep my thoughts on one place or idea, I can never find beauty in my words. My line of thinking always leaves me believing that there is only black and white and the always ever present grey.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2008|08:32 pm]

I love when you hold me close to you while we sleep. I feel safe,comforted, and take solace in the fact you make me feel alive.
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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2008|06:53 pm]

today, today, today, today
i'm writing a bunch of nonsense
because i want you to read
and i want you to see
and please, to help me
find the self
buried underneath me
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2008|08:28 pm]

[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I lie there watching as your eyes look every where but to me. Why won't you look at me? I feel disgusting lying there cold, naked, and all alone. I think to myself how ugly I must be that you can't even spare me a glance. When we first met I remember how you used to devour me with your eyes. Your hands always touching me, needing to hold me.

Now here I lie on cold sheets staring up into the darkness of our room. How cold I feel inside. Looking down at myself I see the image of what once was. Smooth skin, clear eyes,dark hair splayed wildly across the bed. Standing up I walk across our room raising a hand to my face as I stare unforgivingly into the mirror in front of me. My skin has faint lines around my mouth and eyes, my age is beginning to show although I've yet turned thirty. My hands are rough no longer smooth showing evidence of how hard I'd treated myself. Stretching my legs I still carry the smooth muscular tone built from years of walking place to place. I did always hate to drive. My feet showing not smoothness of young skin but hardened heels and abused toes, not pedicured, not babied.

I felt ugly and old. Looking at myself in this unforgiving mirror. I felt worn and unappreciated. I wanted to look at myself and see myself from five years ago when I was still wild but soft. I felt more than looked as if I should be rocking in a chair knitting scarves with gnarled fingers.

He made me feel so unwanted and now my thoughts had turned to this. Why wouldn't he look at me with the longing he used to have? I ask him not really wanting to know the answer. He brushed me off with a smile changing the subject to something less significant. I was acting foolish he told me. Was I?
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Quote from 'Temporal Sequence' [Sep. 8th, 2008|03:44 am]

“Life is full of nuances—some bad, some good—but our interpretation of them makes us who we are. Sometimes the gray morphs into color. You must learn to search for the color amongst the gray. That is what makes life worth living.” Chaos-and-Serenity
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Denial [Sep. 5th, 2008|06:03 am]

[mood |creativecreative]

When you told me about her my heart lurched. I felt a part of me died that day, but I pushed my feelings aside and listened as you told me your feelings for her. My eyes stared blankly ahead as I processed what you were telling me. I didn't know what to feel or how to react. My mind was simply telling me to go after you, but I didn't move. How could I possibly tell you now..

You were my best friend after all. Would it be fair of me to confess my desires now after everything you and her have gone through? No, I will never tell you. I will keep the words bottled inside my crumbling heart. Let the secret die with me. Nothing could possibly become of us. I was still confused about what direction my affections for you were going, but one thing was clear, things would never be the same now.

Years would go by as I watched you from afar with her. Everyday we grew more distant from each other. Everyday I grew more sad. You sometimes came to me for advice, sometimes appearing out of the blue, and hungrily I offered what I could desperately clinging on to you without being too apparent. I was half starved for your attention and as pathetic as it sounds I didn't care. You were talking to me and like a puppy left alone too long I clinged to your every word and movement.

Sadness welled within me. Soon you found a new friend to tell your every secret to. I was readily forgotten and left alone. Inside I cried not wanting to continue watching as I was so easily pushed aside. My heart grew harder as our time apart grew longer, but occasionally you would glimpse me and toss me that smile I craved so much, and my heart would beat again with renewed life and joy. How I wanted to tell you..

Then one day you called me and my heart sang, but soon fell sad as you told me the two of you were no longer together. I had mixed feelings of joy and bitterness, but also sadness. You'd broken up but it only meant I was your crutch until you found someone new. I didn't care because out of all your new friends you came to- me. You felt worthless and betrayed at the sudden heartbreak caused by your beloved, but for me it was an opportunity. I said anything and everything to try and bring a smile, no matter how small, to your face. I sang you our song to which you giggled, and after a couple of hours you wiped your tears and told me goodnight. I was on air for days, and still- I hadn't told you.

Much time has passed, you no longer needed a crutch so again I watch from afar as you pull yourself together and meet someone else, and still I will say nothing. Was it foolish of me to never tell you my feelings, the love and quiet obsession I had for you? I continue watching you, still waiting at the door for you whenever you need me. Always I will be there to hold you whenever you feel the need to be held or told that things will be ok. Silently and painfully I wait for you to flash me those rare heart grabbing smiles I sometimes feel are just for me. I would like to continue believing at least, that they are only for me, anything to keep my heart from being ripped so slowly and utterly apart.
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