||[Sep. 5th, 2008|05:13 am]
I sit alone here in the darkness of this confined space watching you sleep half-on and off the bed. Thoughts on how we met running through my mind, but always my mind takes me to others I've met before you. How they shaped my logic and my thinking..
First, there was the cool, quiet, desperate one. He was married I knew this, and despite knowing how he could never be with me I continued our "relationship." He wanted to meet me. I told him no. I felt backed into a corner like an animal being threatened. It occurred to me how sick I was then to think.. to believe that something could possibly grow from this diseased cancer ridden romance. Yet I continued it, it would be many months before I finally could no longer handle my heart trying to wrench and twist itself out of my body. It was so painful to keep lying to myself. To keep telling myself that he loved me while he slept with his wife. I was jealous of her- how lucky she was to have him, but then I realized exactly how fucked up my line of thought really was. There I sat having an online affair with her husband while she unknowingly went about her life. Clueless to the fact that I was the reason why their phone bill was so high and why he had to get a job to cover up our indescretions. I was the one breaking up her marriage and she had no clue. I deserved the pain I felt within myself. I was the worst of the worst. I remember the feeling of tightness within my breast as we finally broke it off. I had hurt for so long after that, but not because of what I'd done, but because I still cared for him- dare I say, I think, I loved him. Even though I knew the horrible things I did were still unknown to her and would probably remain this way. I still felt jealous an almost hate grew within me because she could love him honestly. My love was built on lies. It was damned no matter how I tried to sugar coat it in my mind.
Your snoring in your sleep. I love watching you sleep- the way your hair falls over your eyes. Your eyes.. still the sexiest part of you. When they're open its like staring into an endless sea of blue-green. I love to get lost staring into them, the way they look at me and only me, and then I think back on how we got together it was honest and so purely innocent. I didn't know you had loved me so long. I'd just gotten out of another bad relationship and turned to you as a friend. I never thought anything more of you except that. Until you told me of your problems with, her.
I wanted to get rid of her. The anger that was pooling inside me was so close to the surface, but I could do nothing except listen as you told me the things she'd done to you. It was then the anger turned in on itself. I was reminded of a similar tale in my life not so long ago. I was so afraid to tell you, the words to this day have yet to leave my lips. How could I tell the person I love that I myself was just as horrible as the girl he had felt so much for. Ironically we both fell in love, but your love to me was so pure. I'm so tainted, I couldn't wash my hands under enough hot water. The dirt will never leave my hands. My body is filthy with deceit and lies, but I love you. I watch you sleeping so carelessly and tears threaten to overflow as I think to myself, I don't deserve you. I'm so disgusting afterall.
So here we are now together. I laugh silently to myself as I think how truly opposite we are. You are easy on the eyes, always laughing, caring, never suspicious, arms always wide open. I have a hardened look, one look into my eyes usually tells a person I have quite the life story. I laugh but only around people I can trust, always suspicious of people's intentions, and my arms are never open, rarely do I try to care let alone open my heart to others. In another life I was this naive, but no longer.
Its a balance. I tell him to be a little more serious and he tells me to lighten up. Completely opposite, yet to some the perfect combination. I tell myself daily he is the reason for me living. I hurt many people in my life and for some reason as I sit here watching you sleep I feel as if you are here for me now because perhaps I was forgiven. Perhaps through the hardships I endured after my fall from grace someone thought, let her remember her wrongs but experience the good.
I will never forget my wrongs, they haunt me to this day. Each and every day I peer into your eyes I am reminded of how tainted and corrupt my own must appear to you. Yet always you tell me I am beautiful and perfect, and always I shy away from your stare and cringe inside. How can you call me beautiful when I am so filthy and impure. Where do you see the beauty in me?